Wednesday, March 26, 2008

"I'll be back"? Shit, Eastwood never left!


I'm not sure whether Schwarzenegger got the memo, but you just don't fuck with Clint Eastwood.

I don't care whether Arnold was the Terminator, Commando or even Kindergarten Cop. What we're really talking about is Eastwood. Eastwood can draw on your ass faster than you can blink, and he'll do it at sundown or sunup. He doesn't care. All he needs is a sombrero and a six-shooter, and you better pray you're more than 50 yards away.

Hello? Dirty fucking Harry. Eastwood doesn't care who he kills as long as justice is served. Hey Schwarzenegger, the '90s called, they want their robot back. We've already got a renegade cop who plays by no rules but his own. A true American badass. A fucking robot? Please.

OK, I acknowledge "The Bridges of Madison County." But that was a fluke. Eastwood was probably trying to set a deadly and ingenious trap against some unsuspecting bad guy with a soft spot for cheesy romance movies. Then Eastwood would kill him. Eastwood won't listen to his pleas about his tortured childhood and that abusive father. Judgment is here, bitch!

But Schwarzenegger didn't get the memo (and I bet by now you want to know what the hell I'm talking about). Schwarzenegger played some politics with Eastwood, who until last week was happily serving on the California Park and Recreation Commission. Unfortunately, Gov. Schwarzenegger had other plans; he decided against re-appointing Eastwood, the guy who played Josey freaking Whales, along with Schwarzenegger's own brother-in-law, Robert Shriver. Bad idea!

Eastwood would never stab his own brother-in-law in the back, unless of course the man in question hindered the heavy hand of American justice. In this case, Schwarzenegger was just bitter that Eastwood and Shriver opposed a toll road project that the governor supported. That toll road probably robbed a bank or something. If Eastwood doesn't like it, that's good enough for me.

Now Eastwood is pissed. Oh shit, Eastwood is putting on his cowboy gear. I don't want to guess what this unforgiving killing machine will do next, but it might involve beating Schwarzenegger to death with his four Oscars.

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