Gangsta

Don't read this if you're still happy (or, I drank what?)

After enjoying the prolonged afterglow of GOP suffering and other election bliss, I feel as though I'm slowly waking from a two-week bender, hazy and stinky, and desperately trying to remember how much I had to drink and why I'm wearing this fire helmet.

My conclusion: I wish I would have kept on drinking.

I hate to sound defeatist here, but for all the joy and relief that accompanied the victory of our first black president and the ouster of a disastrous Bush-era brand of Republicanism, I must sadly face the inevitable: This world still sucks.

(pause for crucifiction)

Seriously, has anybody been watching the news lately? The fucking Mormons -- who, by the way, didn't allow black people into their priesthood until the late 1970s and many who freely practice polygamy -- joined together to pass a measure that bans same-sex couples from entering into the same government-supported legal contracts as heterosexual couples (or marriage, if you want to get technical about it). Then, hilariously, when the gay community revolted against the church's efforts to discriminate against them, the Mormons whined about religious persecution. And the wheels turn, turn, turn.

Oh, and you should probably know that Barack Obama's election didn't magically purge this nation of insane religious zealots or gun-toting, conspiracy-minded, racist conservatives with third-grade educations. I know, I was disappointed, too. One indication: gun sales skyrocketed the day after the election, mostly because the National Rifle Association convinced gun owners that Obama was personally going to show up at their trailers and seize their God-given weapons.

The first thought that came to my mind: Jesus, these people have guns? Clearly they are slightly unhinged if they actually believe the president is going to single-handedly overturn more than 200 years of gun rights. Do they not understand the structure of U.S. government? The president can't exactly sign a fucking executive order that bans guns. It takes, like, legislation, Congress and, what the hell, I bet the Supreme Court would even be involved.

Anyway, my point is that America may have changed in the sense that half the country hated Republicans enough to elect Democrats this year, but it would be a grave mistake to believe our nation has undergone some fundamental transformation. I can hope for the future, maybe, but as long as I'm living in the present, I'll go ahead and continue to acknowledge that we belong to a society dominated by bullshitters and idiots. I just hope Obama can make it a little more tolerable.

Now with diet brand

Don't forget

While you're savoring this victory over the sinister Republican forces in America, don't forget to wander over to some of the hysterical conservative blogs and revel in the sheer glory of their panic-stricken despondency. After eight years of political tragedy, it's almost amazing that they can feign bitterness so well.

This was so worth it.

That feeling

I have an odd feeling. I think it's a flicker of hope. Maybe some restored faith in the American people.

Wow.

Election Guide

From The Associated Press:

A guide to battleground states

As results start pouring in tonight, a handful of states will tell you where this election is going. It takes 270 electoral votes to win. Here’s what to watch (all times Eastern Standard).

Polls close at 7 p.m.

Virginia: Sen. John McCain spent precious last-minute time in Newport News, as sure a sign as any that his campaign believes polls that show Sen. Barack Obama leading. If this Republican redoubt flips from red to blue for the first time since 1964, it’s a sign that McCain is in for a long night.

Georgia: Heavy turnout among African-Americans could put this rock-solid Republican state in play. McCain leads in polls, but it’s still a tossup. If McCain wins, he’s meeting expectations; if Obama wins, this election could be over early.

Indiana: McCain is scarcely ahead in a state that has a perfect GOP voting record since 1964. Obama made inroads as a favorite son of neighboring Illinois and a win here would be a startling turn against the GOP.

Polls close at 7:30 p.m.

Ohio: Along with Florida and Pennsylvania, it’s one of three traditional battleground states. Polls show Obama leading, but McCain is running hard and Ohio is not quite as predisposed to Democrats as Pennsylvania.

Polls close at 8 p.m.

Florida: Most of the state’s polls close at 7 p.m., but the Panhandle time zones are an hour later. It’s quite simple: The electoral math doesn’t work for McCain without having Florida in his column. If Obama manages to hold on to his lead in the polls (which has been slipping) and captures the state, McCain would have to score an unlikely set of upsets to recover.

Pennsylvania: This rich prize has tilted toward Democrats in recent elections and favors Obama strongly in the polls. McCain has not given up, though, and an upset win here could signal that McCain is drawing blue-collar voters who are important in other key states like Missouri.

Missouri: McCain is leading slightly in this swing state that has voted with the winner every time since 1964. It has been a historic bellwether, but the new map that has so many traditionally Republican states in play means a victory here may be less important than it has been.

Polls close at 8:30 p.m.

North Carolina: Polls show a tie, but implications of an Obama victory here would be significant. Like Virginia, this Southern state is one McCain was expected to win.

Polls close at 9 p.m.

Colorado: Democrats held their convention in Denver to capitalize on a trend that had been showing up in recent elections. Now Obama is favored to win the state that has gone with a Democrat only one other time since 1964. If so, it could be the first sign that the GOP hold on the West is cracking.

Montana: Not many votes here, but this state shares Colorado’s history of choosing Republicans (except Bill Clinton in 1992). President Bush carried this state by huge margins both times.

Arizona: McCain leads in his home state but not by much. It’s considered a tossup. If Obama snatches this one, McCain would be in a bad, bad spot in terms of electoral votes and embarrassed on top of it.

Polls close at 10 p.m.

Nevada: In the last battleground state before the solidly Democratic West Coast, Obama leads by an average of 6 points. This state has mostly been Republican, but it did support Clinton both times

A revelation

I just had a staggering realization as I was reflecting back on these 27 zany years and the things I've experienced politically on local and global levels.

After some consideration, I can say with full confidence that seeing Sarah Palin lose on Tuesday will be the happiest day of my life.

Bizarre.