Vietnam, civil rights and ... tampons?

I'm a sucker for protesting authority, especially when it comes to overly oppressive rules in educational institutions. So it's probably not a surprise that I found this story insanely funny:

GRAHAMSVILLE, N.Y. -- A high school security guard is accused of asking girls whether they were menstruating, leading to a protest in which some students wore tampons on their clothing or carried purses made of tampon boxes.

Samantha Martin, 14, said she had a small purse with her at Tri-Valley High School in Sullivan County, northwest of New York City, when security guard Mike Bunce called her out of class Sept. 19. She said Bunce told her she couldn't have a purse unless she was having her period, then asked her whether she was.

Martin and several other girls who said they had been asked the same question were called to discuss the matter with school officials, the Times Herald-Record of Middletown reported.

The district had banned backpacks in hallways this year for safety and security reasons, school officials said.

"We are investigating the allegations and speaking with the students and staff involved," said Tri-Valley Central School District Superintendent Nancy George, who declined to comment further.

As any seasoned anti-establishmentarian will tell you, sometimes in times of crisis, such as having your backpack banned from hallways, you have to take it to the next level. This kid knows exactly what I'm talking about:

Police even arrested one student protesting the backpack policy who ran naked through school halls with a paper bag over his head.

Classic. I salute you, sir. You are a gentleman and a scholar. And a nudist, apparently.

Blood-for-oil bandwagon

From the Times online:

AMERICA’s elder statesman of finance, Alan Greenspan, has shaken the White House by declaring that the prime motive for the war in Iraq was oil.

In his long-awaited memoir, to be published tomorrow, Greenspan, a Republican whose 18-year tenure as head of the US Federal Reserve was widely admired, will also deliver a stinging critique of President George W Bush’s economic policies.

However, it is his view on the motive for the 2003 Iraq invasion that is likely to provoke the most controversy. “I am saddened that it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what everyone knows: the Iraq war is largely about oil,” he says.

Greenspan, 81, is understood to believe that Saddam Hussein posed a threat to the security of oil supplies in the Middle East.

Britain and America have always insisted the war had nothing to do with oil. Bush said the aim was to disarm Iraq of weapons of mass destruction and end Saddam’s support for terrorism.Times online:

Whew! I'm glad somebody finally exposed THAT elephant in the room. Hey, Greenspan, love all that stuff you did with economics and how you're probably about 100,000 times smarter than me and how you look like Darth Sidius. But the whole war for oil thing? The cat's kinda out of the bag on that one. I'm just sayin'.

Rudy throws down the gauntlet; world yawns

In case you've been in the bomb shelter for the past, oh, six years or so, Rudy "Rat Face" Giuliani is running for president. Rudy Giuliani, who built a fortune on the backs of victims and rescue workers of the Sept. 11 attacks -- a glorious statesman who will gladly deliver a moving speech about the attacks for a nominal fee of $100,000-$200,000, or gladly write a book about his so-called leadership during the tragedy for a nominal fee of $2.7 million -- and who has been despicably sculpting his grab at power since the minute the first tower fell. The fact that polls show his front-runner status is a testament to how national fear and rabidly patriotic rhetoric can transform a disgraced, politically confused and slimy mayor of New York into the darling of the GOP and (god-forbid) the future commander of the world's most ferocious military power.

Rudy Giuliani is also a Republican, which inherently makes him an active participant in one of the most fluid and accomplished character assassination machines in America. Want proof? Quick, what do you remember about the past two presidential elections? Gore: Dull. Kerry: Flip-flopper. Rum and Coke: On the rocks. Republicans have spent a whole lot of time and a whole lot more money to make sure you remember that Al Gore can't possibly be president because, well, he just isn't that funny! And John Kerry? Well, he just doesn't stick to his convictions.

Anyway, Giuliani kicked off the latest round of character drubbing by doing something ingenious and completely original: Lying through his teeth. In a response to an ad that MoveOn.org published in the New York Times, in which they characterize Gen. Petraeus as a betrayer and pet of the White House, Giuliani essentially tried to take the furor and use it against Hillary Clinton. Take a look at the two ads (click for bigger version):



And the response by Giuliani:



It's very subtle, about as subtle as a red-hot poker in your eye socket, but what Giuliani is trying to do here is link Clinton to the offending MoveOn ad. But since Clinton had nothing to do with the ad, he must fall back on that fabled GOP pastime: Just make shit up. Case in point: The ad states that "Hillary Clinton continued the character attack on General Petraeus" as if her comments during the congressional hearing were somehow a continuation of the MoveOn ad.

First, let's get the simple questions out of the way. Did Hillary Clinton pay for the ad? No. Does Hillary Clinton's name appear anywhere on the ad? No. Well, then, surely Hillary Clinton had something, anything to do with the ad? No.

Here's Giuliani's logic: MoveOn published a brutal attack on the good general. Hillary Clinton had the gall to question the general about the conditions in Iraq during a congressional hearing on the conditions in Iraq. Hillary Clinton has not denounced the MoveOn ad. Therefore, Hillary Clinton is responsible for the ad and should take the blame for the ad. Of course, Giuliani can't just attack MoveOn because everybody already knows they're all crazies.

Thus is what we can expect from President Giuliani, whose statements are on par with the historic truisms of President Bush: Saddam had weapons of mass destruction; Al-Qaeda was linked to Iraq; and, who could forget, "I won the election."

On a side note, I gotta hand it to Rudy. He's taking a risky political strategy: Throw all support to the Iraq war and pray to holy Christ that things start looking up by the time November 2008 rolls around. If things do get better by some historical anomaly, Democrats could find themselves in trouble. If not, well I'll just quote from the great philosopher Samuel L. Jackson: "Rudy's screwed, motherfucker!"

Fuzzy English

If Bush weren't so stupid, you'd think he might be presidential material, what with that classic American brow and boyish grin. Wait, he is president. What the fuck?

Never the stranger to embarrassing himself on the world stage, Mr. Bush took great strides last Friday in demonstrating the historic and fantastic truth about American democracy: In this country, ANYBODY can be president! :D

(Note: The following story shouldonly be read while listening to George Harrison's "Isn't it a pity." Seriously.)

From Yahoo News:

SYDNEY, Australia - President Bush had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day at the Sydney Opera House.

He'd only reached the third sentence of Friday's speech to business leaders, on the sidelines of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation forum, when he committed his first gaffe.

"Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit," Bush said to Australian Prime Minister John Howard.Oops. That would be APEC, the annual meeting of leaders from 21 Pacific Rim nations, not OPEC, the cartel of 12 major oil producers.
Bush quickly corrected himself. "APEC summit," he said forcefully, joking that Howard had invited him to the OPEC summit next year (for the record, an impossibility, since neither Australia nor the U.S. are OPEC members).

Yikes. But that's OK, right? OPEC.. APEC. They sound the same. Easy mistake, even for somebody who has spent the past several years giving speeches. It could happen to anyone. And forgetting that your oil-dependent nation isn't actually a member of OPEC? Well, with the hunt for Osama on his mind, I'm sure it's forgivable. But...

The president's next goof went uncorrected — by him anyway. Talking about Howard's visit to Iraq last year to thank his country's soldiers serving there, Bush called them "Austrian troops."

That one was fixed for him. Though tapes of the speech clearly show Bush saying "Austrian," the official text released by the White House switched it to "Australian."

What do you think went through Bush's head? "Oh shit, I just said the Australian troops getting slaughtered in Iraq were Austrian. Ohhh, look at the pretty lights!"

Fuck, get Rove on the phone. We need another geography lesson! Just remember, Mr. President, Austria gave us Mozart, Freud, Nietzsche and Schwarzenegger. Australia gave us...Nicole Kidman. And Kylie Minogue. And Outback Steakhouse.

Ohhh, pretty lights!

Um... anyway. The end of the speech is pretty much par for the course, although pundits are reportedly still considering whether Bush fucked up his exit by accident or simply thought he might as well put a nice cherry on top of this perfectly orchestrated public catastrophe:

Then, speech done, Bush confidently headed out — the wrong way.

He strode away from the lectern on a path that would have sent him over a steep drop. Howard and others redirected the president to center stage, where there were steps leading down to the floor of the theater.

Pop quiz: What's more embarrassing than presiding over the worst security failure in American history? Answer: Having a group of world leaders show you the proper way to exit a stage.

Meanwhile, after being denied into the venue by APEC security workers worried that the president would get laughed to death, the noble journalists of the White House press corps passed the time outside — "shooting pictures and watching boats in the harbor."

Depressing.

Small break

I apologize for the hiatus.. I was on vacation. New content coming very soon, so keep your pants on!