Ebenezer Pope strikes again

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I will now skewer the pope!

As we all know, Pope Benedict XVI's favorite hobby -- aside from doing nothing as his church's leaders relentlessly prey on children -- is making sure people aren't having any fun. Fun is inherently anti-Catholic. If you're having fun, you aren't sitting in a corner, cowering in fear over the impending heat of eternal damnation and God's wrath upon your sinning ass.

The idea of fun for the pope consists of a 10-hour Mass, followed by a guilt-ridden confession of all the cool stuff you did that week. When the pope says "party at my place," you can expect an incredible spiritual flogging, followed by a lecture on why looking at that nudie magazine the other day means you're totally fucked.

So it's to be expected that the pope wanted to completely spoil the festivities of St. Patrick's Day, which I admittedly enjoyed immensely back when I was drinking, but now celebrate with sobriety and a shrug. The Vatican decided St. Patrick's Day, a sacred holiday celebrated by millions, would be moved to March 15 to avoid a conflict with Lent, the 40-day period before Easter often marked by self-sacrifice and depression.

Oh gee, Mr. Pope, I'm sorry that Ireland doesn't control the fucking calendar. I guess we'll just go ahead and move that NATIONAL fucking HOLIDAY back a few days so we don't run afoul of the Vatican. Yeah, let's do that.