I watch Headline News and contemplate suicide

I noticed the CNN Web site is now streaming first-class blowhard Nancy Grace as she convicts people on the airwaves with her sharp-tongue Southern wit and unrelenting rage. I searched my soul and have yet to come up with a justification for allowing a former prosecutor to report on crime news. Hey CNN, do you think a person who used to seek the death penalty for people accused of crimes might be apt to assume guilt when she reports? Grace fights like a hyena for her image as the American crusader, seeking justice from the vicious brood of criminal minds who are probably killing your children and stealing your livelihood as we speak.

In journalism, we have a golden rule: Truth. It's kind of imperative because it's all that separates us from tje politicians. But Grace is not interested in truth. She's interested in finding the right people to agree with her version of the truth. And if that fails, she just retreats to her prosecutor role, a she-devil with encyclopedic knowledge of legal terms to impress her fawning audience of discontents. In the end, all she accomplishes is destroying the very foundations of good journalism. Her entire persona rests on a sliver of bullshit integrity that could be crumbled in an instant by any veteran print journalist.

But she's not the worst of them.

Last night, I was watching Headline News and had the displeasure of seeing second-class blowhard Glenn Beck wield his gold-studded microphone (no joke) like some kind of scepter to his boyish charm and natural greatness. Then he proceeded to spew actual bullshit for a whole fucking hour. The entire show was practically dedicated to how he's the only valid source on the economy, but he started out his segment by saying "I'm no economist, but ... "

But what, asshole? You have an opinion? Take a number and please stop salivating self-righteousness over the cameraman. Glenn Beck is like the Dennis the Menace of journalism. He keeps pushing the envelope with glee to see what he can get away with, prodding the Old Man Public with his latest gambit while his parents struggle to fathom how they created this demon child. Meanwhile, the public just wants to take a nap.

I'm assuming these two "journalists" are CNN's answer to Bill O'Reilly. Here's the problem: O'Reilly is a World Class Asshole. He's damn good at it. If the asshole Olympics were held today, he'd make us shed a tear for his spirit, dedication and perseverance. Viewers eat up his political, yell-to-get-your-point-across shtick like candy, and the best CNN can throw back is the South's answer to Fran Drescher and a former Christian radio talking head who made his big break by winning a contest to be "DJ for an hour."

These two are amateurs compared to O'Reilly's bravado for hysteria and red-blooded American anger. What can you really say about him that hasn't been said? Even his fans secretly know he's full of shit, but they like to see him rip people to pieces. Hilariously, without the hallowed halls of Fox News to protect him, O'Reilly is just another overrated hack -- a pissed off American who thumped his Bible the loudest and ties the flag to his penis for "lovin' time." I've seen him get owned by John Stewart and fucking David Letterman, who used O'Reilly's own style of interrupt journalism to mercilessly crush his soul. David Letterman!

For my money, they can all take a trip to where the media elephants go to die.