Sunday, February 24, 2008

Ralph Nader: Not quite as ugly as Kucinich


Hey Nader: We don't forgive you.

We don't forgive you for indirectly destroying the hopes and dreams of all Americans who aren't swimming in sweet, sweet pools of Bush's tax-cut money. We don't forgive you for refusing to drop your bid for president in 2000, despite assurances that you would most likely swing the election for Bush, a neoconservative industrialist (in the loosest sense of the word) bent on world domination. A man who has started two wars that have killed more than 3,000 U.S. soldiers, along with hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians in multiple countries. A man who has shit on the Constitution in every room of the White House; employed the most sinister character assassin in American politics; campaigned with an evil kingpin who met with the giant corporations who once employed him, rewrote the nation's energy policy and then covered it up; and oversaw an administration that orchestrated the outing of a covert CIA agent because her husband was critical of Executive Branch officials.

Ring a bell? Yeah. So, I think you should know about the slight trepidation at the prospect of you running for president in 2008. America, it seems, still the remembers the past eight years.

When you shamefully pursued your doomed ambition back in 2000, you claimed your campaign was driven by your firm belief that Al Gore (the Democratic environmentalist) was no different from George W. Bush (the Republican religious zealot). Presumably, you truly believed that a two-party system rendered the candidates indistinguishable, but I maintain that you were probably just high on crack. Hilariously, you ran on the Green Party ticket against a man who went on to win a Nobel Peace Prize for his work on the environment. The core principle of your party was to save the environment, and you dismantled the campaign of an established politician who has since popularized the notion that global warming is slowly destroying us. What the fuck?

Take a real close look through those beady eyes of yours -- do you see any possible discrepancies between the candidates now? Please, allow me to provide you with a handy cheat sheet, completed in beautiful pink colors to symbolize how serious you really are about saving America:

I know what you're thinking, Ralph. You're thinking, "hey, I didn't spoil the election. To assume the people who voted for me would have voted for Gore if I dropped out, thus handing him a victory, is counter-factual. Why, that's a logical fallacy!" But I want to stop you there for a moment, you ass, and remind you that Florida was called for Bush by a margin of 537 votes, while you received 97,488. I'm willing to bet that more than 537 of those people would have voted for Gore had you dropped your campaign to screw us all. I think you made your point. Eight painful years worth of them.

Look, Nader, I understand your need to challenge this pathetically manufactured two-party system. It sucks, and I wish you all the best in your endeavor to re-create American politics into something that's remotely fair for third-party candidates with little funding. But it would really help if you did it at a time when 1) the opposition isn't a puppet for a group of people who think Vietnam was a good idea, or 2) we aren't stuck in a bloody, meaningless war to support America's growing hunger for a substance that makes our cars go forward.

Face it: Ralph Nader is just a rallying cry for self-righteous freshmen college students who amass at the local vegan gathering after their 3 p.m. weaving class. Sorry, man.

2 comments:

Valerie said...

WHERE did you find that picture!? It's SO awesome!

J said...

Haha! Well, I got the picture by typing "kitten gun" into Google images. The rest I did in Paint, the only program you'll ever need :D