** WARNING: SPOILERS! DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE MOVIE "CLOVERFIELD," ALTHOUGH I WOULD RECOMMEND READING ON IF YOU ARE CONSIDERING SEEING IT, AS I AM ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT MOVIES, AND I THINK I REFLECT THE MAJORITY OF THE MOVIE-GOING PUBLIC IN REGARD TO THIS PARTICULAR CINEMATIC ENDEAVOUR. ALSO, COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SWEARING FOLLOWS **
An open letter to producer J.J. Abrams:
I have few words in my vocabulary to describe Cloverfield.
It was fucking awful. FUCKING AWFUL.
When I was in high school, my friends and I would tote this shitty, first-generation camcorder around, recording our various antics and witty banter (or as witty as you can get when you're like 16 years old). En route to our aforementioned places of merry-making, we would often walk, run, jump, etc. In transit, the video would shake like a motherfucker. When we watched the finished product, usually consisting of things I hope never surface when I run for senator, it almost looked as if we had a senior citizen behind the camera.
This is what Cloverfield is like. One and a half god-awful hours of teenage-mentality idiots running around New York with a fucking camcorder while a giant sea monster the size of Manhattan eats buildings and shits out these creatures with big jaws that appear to look like walking mosquitoes. I say they APPEAR to look like walking mosquitoes because, between the fact that the screen was grainy through most the movie and the fact that I had to keep my eyes closed for fear of VOMITING ALL OVER THE GUY NEXT TO ME, I only actually watched a total of about 20 minutes.
Twenty minutes was enough. Five minutes would have been enough. Not seeing the fucking movie at all would have been enough. You know what happens when you look at a shaky camera for a prolonged period of time? NAUSEA. EXTREME. FUCKING. NAUSEA. During the times when I couldn't look at the screen because I felt like my insides were revolting like a dictatorship, I was watching the steady stream of people leaving the theater, most likely en route to the bathroom to VOMIT.
Do you hear that, J.J. Abrams? TO VOMIT.
This has been done before. Remember the Blair Witch Project? Shaky camera, spooky forest, retarded ending. Ring a bell? It's already been done, man. The only thing you added to the genre of Shaky Vomit Movies is a CREATURE THAT EATS THE STATUE OF LIBERTY. Oh boy!
As for the creature, I don't get that either. Is it a dinosaur? Is it an alien? Is it a mutated fish? WHAT THE FUCK? If it's been living in the ocean for a few million years, slowly evolving into an efficient killing machine, then did it not realize until now that there is a continent full of delicious humans? Was it just waiting for the right time to attack? Is it pissed off for something we did? Does it have hemorrhoids? In the Blair Witch Project, they never actually showed the witch. It was up to the audience to draw its own conclusion. Maybe there's something to that? Especially if your monster looks like a PACHYDERM.
I want my fucking money back, J.J. The only reason you conned people into seeing this horror show of cinema is your absurd viral campaign on the Internet. Congratulations, douche bag. You sucked me in like the rest of the now-very-nauseated public, but your fucking movie still SUCKS. I hope your children get motion sick and yack all over you when they watch it. I would pay money to see that. In fact, you should make that the sequel, because judging from the groans and people FLEEING THE THEATER FROM YOUR MOVIE, watching children vomit on you is probably the only way you'll get anybody to see anything you produce EVER. FUCKING. AGAIN.
Love,
The public
p.s. I still love Lost!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
A few candid views on the movie "Cloverfield"
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4 comments:
I had no expectations going into this movie, I really didn't expect it to be a finely-crafted movie of any caliber ... more along the lines of Independence Day, just sort of entertaining, and I was entertained. Maybe I have a penchant for cheap thrill-y monster flicks. I really like apocalyptic stuff, or when cities get torn apart. It's brainless fun. I always find myself rooting for the monster. :D
I think you'd have felt differently had you not had motion sickness issues. :P I think it was a bad idea for them to put that sign at your theater's ticket office ... I think it's more likely that people would feel sick after seeing a suggestion like that. I get sort of motion sick on spinny carnival rides and really winding roads, and I didn't feel sick at all watching this movie. I attribute it to my many, many MANY hours of playing the almighty FPS.
Undoubtedly I would have enjoyed it if I didn't feel so sick, but I still maintain that the monster was not all that cool. I like apocalyptic stuff as well, but I'm usually more a fan of forces of nature.
The AP planned a story about the Cloverfield-motion sickness issue, but they had to kill it because they couldn't find anybody who actually got sick. They had to send a bulletin over the wires saying as much. So who knows! ;)
Didn't see the movie, probably won't now, especially as it's not really my genre. But I sprayed coffee all over my monitor whilst reading your blog about it.
All the vile invective launched against it was hilarious to me, especially at 7:30 a.m.
So, in a sense, something good did come of this movie. Except for the damage to my monitor's pride. It will never forgive me for the coffee. I hope you're happy now.
You know what movie I saw recently that really pissed me off? Mulholland Drive. I hope it burns and rots in the pits of self-loving director/writer hell.
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