Sunday, August 2, 2009

Psychic regurgitation

Lately I've been struck with the sickening, panic-stricken feeling that I have a fundamental misunderstanding of human relationships. This is usually followed by a short period of soul-wrenching hopelessness, in which I over-analyze every attempt I've made to connect with a female. Brooding comes next, often as I speed through the city at night, cursing myself for being so obsessively introspective. Anxiety pulses through me. I feel like I'm in a dark comedy, only I'm not completely in on the joke.

What I can't conceptualize during these bouts of hazy loneliness is how anybody can possibly hang on long enough to cut through this shell I've constructed for myself. Long enough to see that I'm actually a pretty happy, outgoing person under these layers of jaded boredom. Because it's becoming increasingly hard for me to give a shit when I'm feeling like this. I desperately search for some kind of meaning, but I only find emptiness and anger boiling inside me over my own failures.

And just like that, the feeling fades away. I force it to fade away. Life is way too fucking short to feel like this.

4 comments:

Will Shaver said...

Some chicks dig the brooding anti-hero. Of course most of those chicks also dig facial tattoos and a criminal record...

Gormanite said...

Anger over the past is excitement towards the future to try again.

Maya said...

For what it's worth, I suggest have some fun dating. When have you had the freedom to just do that? Gather from it what you will, including possibly new perspectives and new confidence.
PS: Give yourself some credit; you're the kind of guy girls dream of: caring, responsible, cute, funny, smart.

Dad said...

Obsessive introspection must be of some value in itself as, like it or not, it's hard to get through life without periods of it, especially when you're young.