A short moment for personal crap:
Lately I feel stuck when I try to write, like I have nothing interesting to say, or I have too much to say and my brain can't conceptualize it. Mostly I'm just too stressed out to care about anything past my own problems. It's a selfish self-absorption, a byproduct of following nearly impossible dreams and worrying endlessly about my place in the world. Often, the consequence plays out in my relationships, and thus I'm back to where I was a couple years ago: wondering what comes next. A little bit lonely. A little bit scared. Left with the overbearing feeling that I'm running out of time to get it right. My eyes are open, but I'm stumbling around in the dark.
Maybe the dark is where I'm most comfortable. It hurts when I hit a wall, but it's challenging and morbidly exciting. Boredom is more than a feeling for me; it's a significant detour to living my life. I want to fight boredom on all fronts, and maybe the unconscious way I do that is to force uncertainty on myself. Unfortunately, my hunger for adventure is often too single-minded. It's hard for me to share the hunger with others.
I would call this a momentary feeling of discord, but I'm reminded of something I wrote a few years back during a similar period. It sounds eerily familiar:
My life is always so dull when I'm comfortable. What I really need is a little chaos, agony, repression, emotional warfare. I think it invigorates my soul. I think it reminds me that I'm human and alive and capable of doing something besides this corporate, soul-eating office life.So here I go again, taking another step into darkness. Also: Can anybody remind me how to, like, date?
1 comment:
Hey Rollz if I may make some observations on yours of June 23: To begin, I've always felt that painful as it is, facing life--acknowledging what is actually the "human condition" with all its blisters and imperfections--turns out to be a virtue that unfortunately we don't appreciate until later in life. It seems the majority of us somehow duck this step, only to have to pay later by being sometimes unrealistic with ourselves or others. In other words, your struggle for what we might call balance is something intelligent people endure, not necessarily willingly. To use a cliche, it's a rite of passage usually experienced when young, often damnably unpleasant. But, I believe, you come out the other side much stronger. You have to have a soul to experience the "dark night of the soul." There's also a fair chance there's no side-stepping this problem, but that going thru it is the resolution. Seek opinion if you need it, but, in the words of one who has been there, don't despair. As for dating, generally speaking, I think we get what we really want. Persistence counts. You've got time. Be careful what you wish for. Don't let disappointment rule, and try, try, to have fun.
Love, Your Dad
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