Republicans get anal about birth control

First they came for our civil liberties; now they're coming for our birth control. I'm talking, of course, about Republicans.

As I've demonstrated many times, Republican politicians are generally the most vile hypocrites to ever disgrace our fair democracy. They whine insensately about the big bad government trying to infringe on their rights to do insane things like execute people and shoot each other with automatic weapons, but when they fail miserably with their vision of religious extremism, they simply try to force it down our throats with dirty tricks.

Now, after many years of failing to subvert the will of the people on issues such as abortion rights and birth control, these faithful bureaucrats have cooked up a new plan: change the meaning of "conception." The new rule, proposed by the Bush administration, would alter the government's definition of human life by saying it begins when a human egg is fertilized -- not when the egg implants in the uterus. This new concept of conception is ludicrous when you consider that a fertilized egg is basically a female cell with male DNA that is wandering around the fucking reproduction system. Not until the egg is implanted does development of life actually begin.

So what's the problem with this travesty? Well, because birth control pills often expel fertilized eggs to prevent implantation (and, thus, pregnancy), the rule change would allow the government to regulate birth control by essentially classifying it under "abortion." Hilariously, no test exists to determine solely whether an egg has been fertilized, as pregnancy tests rely on the influx of hormones that results from implantation.

The consequences are staggering. Insane religious zealots in the government could cut funding -- and thus, free access -- to birth control from hospitals and nonprofit services such as Planned Parenthood. Rape victims could be denied emergency contraception from emergency rooms and pharmacies. Doctors would be allowed to refuse birth control to patients based on misguided religious beliefs (currently, many states have laws requiring birth control as an option for women -- but not abortion services, which is how Republicans hope to classify birth control).

Hey, here's an idea for all you aspiring gynecologists out there: If you don't belief in birth control based on information from some asshole in Rome who thinks an invisible man in the sky talks to him, FIND A NEW CAREER.

This whole sordid situation left me with one burning inquiry: What exactly do Republicans have against sex? Then I remembered that the majority of Republican politicians consider sex to be either a fling with a male page in the halls of Congress or secret trysts with strangers in a men's bathroom -- neither of which traditionally necessitate the use of birth control. It's all coming together now.