Fun with definitions

Hilarious (hi-lar-i-ous)
- adjective

1. Arousing great merriment; extremely funny.
2. Marked by or causing boisterous merriment or convulsive laughter.
3. At least 50 people have lost their sight after staring at the sun hoping to see an image of the Virgin Mary, according to reports.

Click for happiness

Republicans get anal about birth control

First they came for our civil liberties; now they're coming for our birth control. I'm talking, of course, about Republicans.

As I've demonstrated many times, Republican politicians are generally the most vile hypocrites to ever disgrace our fair democracy. They whine insensately about the big bad government trying to infringe on their rights to do insane things like execute people and shoot each other with automatic weapons, but when they fail miserably with their vision of religious extremism, they simply try to force it down our throats with dirty tricks.

Now, after many years of failing to subvert the will of the people on issues such as abortion rights and birth control, these faithful bureaucrats have cooked up a new plan: change the meaning of "conception." The new rule, proposed by the Bush administration, would alter the government's definition of human life by saying it begins when a human egg is fertilized -- not when the egg implants in the uterus. This new concept of conception is ludicrous when you consider that a fertilized egg is basically a female cell with male DNA that is wandering around the fucking reproduction system. Not until the egg is implanted does development of life actually begin.

So what's the problem with this travesty? Well, because birth control pills often expel fertilized eggs to prevent implantation (and, thus, pregnancy), the rule change would allow the government to regulate birth control by essentially classifying it under "abortion." Hilariously, no test exists to determine solely whether an egg has been fertilized, as pregnancy tests rely on the influx of hormones that results from implantation.

The consequences are staggering. Insane religious zealots in the government could cut funding -- and thus, free access -- to birth control from hospitals and nonprofit services such as Planned Parenthood. Rape victims could be denied emergency contraception from emergency rooms and pharmacies. Doctors would be allowed to refuse birth control to patients based on misguided religious beliefs (currently, many states have laws requiring birth control as an option for women -- but not abortion services, which is how Republicans hope to classify birth control).

Hey, here's an idea for all you aspiring gynecologists out there: If you don't belief in birth control based on information from some asshole in Rome who thinks an invisible man in the sky talks to him, FIND A NEW CAREER.

This whole sordid situation left me with one burning inquiry: What exactly do Republicans have against sex? Then I remembered that the majority of Republican politicians consider sex to be either a fling with a male page in the halls of Congress or secret trysts with strangers in a men's bathroom -- neither of which traditionally necessitate the use of birth control. It's all coming together now.

far and away

I'm still alive.

Moved to a new place, but my computer should be up and running again soon, at which point I will continue my bitchfest.

Good times!

Confirmed: McCain is definitely a white guy

John McCain, the shameless panderer and opportunist, is probably too old to remember that he even did this, but I'll bring it up anyway as a matter of principle. Most people with a passing interest in politics won't read much into it, but for a paranoid, rabid anti-politician such as myself, it speaks volumes.

As we are all aware, McCain has been circling the country, heaping criticism on his rival, Barack Obama, about everything from his youth to his lack of national security experience to the fact that Obama's wife isn't an insane ex-USC cheerleader who dines on the tears of starving children (or, in McCain's own words, a "cunt.")

Although bashing your opponent by using clever language and non-answers -- when asked whether he thought Obama was patriotic, McCain responded by saying he is a "great success story" -- the real test of integrity lies with how you react within an audience that may be skeptical of your message. Do you press on with your view that your opponent is a hopeless kid? Or do you try to win them over by faking respect?

We found out on Wednesday, when McCain found himself speaking before the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. While you'd expect McCain, like at any campaign rally, to eviscerate his opponent and highlight the vast differences in policies, McCain sounded more like he was stumping for Obama:

* "Don't tell him I said this, but he's an impressive fellow in many ways," McCain said to applause from the crowd. "His success should make Americans, all Americans, proud. Of course, I would prefer his success not to continue quite as long as he hopes," he quipped.

* "My opponent and I have honest differences as well about the growth of government. And it may be that many of you share his view. But even allowing for disagreement, surely there is common ground in the principle that government cannot go on forever spending recklessly and incurring debt," he said.

Huh! These fawning quotes are coming from the same man who said, regarding Obama, that it was "clear who Hamas wants to be the next president"? And this sudden switch not because he's always been an even-keeled campaigner (he isn't) but because he suddenly found himself before an audience of black people?

Taking a page from fear-mongering Republicans, I would ask this: If McCain crumples under the pressure of people who disagree with him, or don't share his skin color, how will he respond WHEN THE TERRORISTS ATTACK AHHHH WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!

Birthday blues

Three things I've learned so far about being 27:

* I'm too old to run at full speed and jump over bodies of water at the beach. Similarly, hobbling around town is an inefficient mode of transportation.

* You won't win the lottery, even if it's your birthday.

* Turning 25 was a lot worse.

Happy (belated) Independence Day

It occurred to me that I hadn't done a post on Independence Day, which is really the best day of the year to point out how far this country has drifted from the original ideals of its founding. Beyond the fact that we're all waving red, white and blue instead of the British cross -- and that I retain the freedom to write this in the first place -- I continue to be deeply disturbed by the gross abuse of power that has corrupted our way of life.

Torturing our enemies, invading countries that don't directly threaten us militarily, curbing civil liberties -- the list goes on, and everyday this nation goes a bit farther down the rabbit hole.

But probably the worst symptom of our decaying willingness to be free is the notion that dissent is unpatriotic. In fact, it is exactly that mindset that leads to the ugly reality of fascism -- without a solid belief that revolution against a dominant power is sometimes necessary to maintain a free society, as Thomas Jefferson said, we are susceptible to losing our freedom. The political tyrants currently holding our government in a stranglehold against the Constitution want nothing more than a society of docile, powerless sheep.

Since Sept. 11, Americans who fancy themselves patriots have increasingly fallen into this delusion that to be a good citizen in a time of uncertainty, one must blindly follow the leaders who may or may not have our best interests in mind. Yet, this country was founded on dissent and upheaval against forces that sought to oppress us or serve their own interests over those of the people. I would even dare to say this: Supporting a society that is free of protest is inherently un-American. It is absolutely unpatriotic to stifle dissension. The people who say "if you don't like it, you should leave" -- as if disagreement were grounds for dismissal -- are exactly the kind of people who will destroy this dream of independence.

Thomas Jefferson, the man who masterminded the document that declared our independence from the mighty grip of monarchy, had the rumblings of revolution in many of the same quotes repeated by people who longingly defend a society that blindly follows its highly corruptible leaders. Americans would be well-served to remember his message: "All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent."

Oh, and fuck Bush.

Helms dead; world loses one more redneck

I don't like to disparage the dead, but fuck you Jesse Helms.

From Wikipedia, on Helms' long career of bigotry:

Helms blamed gays and lesbians for "the proliferation of AIDS," and stating he disliked using the word "gay" to refer to them since, "...there's nothing gay about them."

Of civil rights protests Helms stated in 1963 that "The Negro cannot count forever on the kind of restraint that's thus far left him free to clog the streets, disrupt traffic, and interfere with other men's rights."[6] (WRAL-TV commentary, 1963) He also wrote, "Crime rates and irresponsibility among Negroes are a fact of life which must be faced." (New York Times, 2/8/81)

Helms' referred to the University of North Carolina (UNC) as the "University of Negroes and Communists." (Charleston Gazette, 9/15/95)[7]

Helms once deeply offended a black colleague, Democratic Senator Carol Moseley-Braun of Illinois, by singing part of "Dixie" on a Capitol elevator.

Soon after the Senate vote on the Confederate flag insignia, Sen. Jesse Helms (R.-N.C.) ran into Mosely-Braun in a Capitol elevator. Helms turned to his friend, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R.-Utah), and said, "Watch me make her cry. I'm going to make her cry. I'm going to sing 'Dixie' until she cries." He then proceeded to sing the song about "the good life" during slavery to Mosely-Braun (Gannett News Service, 9/2/93; Time, 8/16/93).[7]

While working on the 1950 Democrat primary campaign of Willis Smith against Frank Porter Graham, Helms helped create an ad that read "White people, wake up before it is too late. Do you want Negroes working beside you, your wife and your daughters, in your mills and factories? Frank Graham favors mingling of the races." Another ad featured photographs Helms himself had doctored to illustrate the allegation that Graham's wife had danced with a black man. (FAIR 9/1/01, The News and Observer 8/26/01)

Helms had close ties to the rightist Salvadoran death squad leader Roberto D'Aubuisson and was considered a main sponsor of D'Aubuisson's political party, the Nationalist Republican Alliance.[8] When confronted with evidence that D'Aubuisson ran death squads that systematically murdered civilians, he replied that "[a]ll I know, is that D'Aubuisson is a free enterprise man and deeply religious."[9]

Helms was an ardent supporter of the late Chile dictator Augusto Pinochet.[10]

When Roberta Achtenberg was appointed Assistant Secretary of the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development in 1993 by President Bill Clinton, Helms attempted to block her confirmation, stating that he refused to vote for her "because she's a damn lesbian."

In 1994 Helms spoke out against metal industrial singer Marilyn Manson. Manson responded by painting an anti-gay slur on his chest during a show in Winston-Salem, in a sarcastic and critical display against Helms's social viewpoints.

Hendrik Hertzberg of The New Yorker noted in his memoirs that Helms had "the 'humorous habit'" of calling all black people "Fred".

Helms used race issues in many elections; for instance, in 1990, he ran the famous "Hands" television ad in a tough re-election race. The ad has become legendary in Southern political circles as the most direct appeal to white backlash in modern American politics. The ad played upon white voters' ideas that affirmative action might lead to a job going to a less-qualified candidate ("Gantt supports Ted Kennedy's racial quota law, that makes the color of your skin more important than your qualifications.") (watch the ad).

Helms opposed an amendment offering war reparations to Japanese-Americans who had been interned during World War II; he proposed an amendment stipulating that no reparations would be made unless the Japanese government compensated the families of Americans killed at Pearl Harbor.

In 1994, Helms created a sensation when, on the anniversary of John F. Kennedy's assassination, he told broadcasters Rowland Evans, Jr., and Robert Novak that Clinton was "not up" to the tasks of being commander-in-chief and suggested that Clinton had "better not show up around here [Fort Bragg] without a bodyguard."[11]

Helms was a strong supporter of drug prohibition, and opposed former Massachusetts Governor Bill Weld's nomination as Ambassador to Mexico because Weld supported medical marijuana.[1] Helms proposed several bills as part of the war on drugs.[12]

Helms once claimed that "The New York Times and Washington Post are both infested with homosexuals themselves. Just about every person down there is a homosexual or lesbian."[13]

Yeah, a real American hero.

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency