Here at Project Hairy Alpaca, our crack team of analysts sifts through hundreds of articles per minute in a valiant search to find the most hopeless souls currently inhabiting this chunk of rock. And by "crack team," I mean I occasionally take time from drawing stick figures to browse the Internet for a few minutes. It's a highly fluid system, full of intricacies, redundancies and intricacies. What?
Anyway, this story will amaze and inspire you, for it has everything that lies at the heart of the American dream: Capitalism, technology, and a biblical allegory to David and Goliath. The only difference here is that David is an insane fundamentalist, and Goliath is a corporation worth billions of dollars (from The Telegraph):
A black conservative Christian pastor of an evangelical megachurch has vowed to take over Microsoft by packing it with new shareholders who will vote against the company's policy of championing gay rights.
The Reverend Ken Hutcherson, a former Dallas Cowboys linebacker, heads the Antioch Bible Church in Redmond, home of Microsoft.
He told Microsoft executives at a shareholders' meeting last week that he would be their "worst nightmare" if they continued to defy him.
Antioch Bible Church attracts around 3,500 worshippers for its services and Mr Hutcherson is a powerful figure in the Christian conservative movement.
His church, which emphasises racial diversity and a strict moral code, grew from a bible study class for just 15 people in 1984.
I guess I'll start with a few small technical inquiries into Mr. Hutcherson's moral crusade. I'm just wondering how he and his "3,500 worshippers" plan to raise the approximately $182,000,000,000 it would take to purchase a controlling stake in Microsoft, which by the way is worth about $364.76 billion. According to Forbes, Bill Gates owns just 8 percent of the company, and even that comes out to nearly 1 billion shares. Want to know how much it costs to own just 8 percent of Microsoft? About $29 billion. Basically, if each of his worshippers spent $52 million buying shares, they'd be on their way to being in a position where Microsoft would give a fuck about what they have to say. (I apologize if my math is a bit off here, but you get the picture. It's like 3 a.m. for Christ's sake. Source here).
But that's OK. When you're on a mission from God, these contingencies will just work themselves out, right? And in America, no less! Nothing is more American than taking over a company by force, and gay bashing. Except maybe running into the wilderness to kill some shit:
Mr Hutcherson's office is decorated with the heads of deer, elk and a buffalo – "when I run into animals, I kill them and bring them home and eat them" – as well as invitations to the White House and signed pictures of himself with President George W. Bush.
Wow. Perhaps the buffalo roam in fields of money.
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