Thought for the day

I'm still unsure how I feel about being involved with a dying industry, but I'm positive it will make a great story for the grandkids when they ask what it was like to read a newspaper.

Another sign

The apocalypse is nigh.

GOP desperation and self-mutilation

I fucking knew it:

PITTSBURGH (KDKA) ― Police sources tell KDKA that a campaign worker has now confessed to making up a story that a mugger attacked her and cut the letter “B” in her face after seeing her McCain bumper sticker.

Ashley Todd, 20, of Texas, initially told police that she was robbed at an ATM in Bloomfield and that the suspect became enraged and started beating her after seeing her GOP sticker on her car.

Police investigating the alleged attack, however, began to notice some inconsistencies in her story and administered a polygraph test.

Authorities, however, declined to release the results of that test.

Investigators did say that they received photos from the ATM machine and “the photographs were verified as not being the victim making the transaction.”

This afternoon, a Pittsburgh police commander told KDKA Investigator Marty Griffin that Todd confessed to making up the story.

The commander added that Todd will face charges; but police have not commented on what those charges will be.

According to police, investigators working on the interview process detected several inconsistencies in Todd’s story that differed from statements made in the original police report.

Pittsburgh Police Public Information Officer Diane Richard released a statement earlier today, saying: “Because of the inconsistencies in her statements, Ms. Todd was asked to submit to a polygraph examination which she agreed to do.”

No photos of Todd are being released by Pittsburgh Police at this time.

The investigation is continuing as officials determine what charges will be filed.

I had reservations as soon as I saw this story, and not just because I like Obama. I find it very suspicious that a thug would actually stick around long enough at the scene of his crime to carve somebody's face to make a political point. How many ultra-violent muggers do you think follow politics? I would wager: not many. This story was too insane for its own good. Total fabrication.

Rhymes with idiot

As part of my ongoing Unsolicited Political Advice handbook:

How not to win an election, step #45987458: Tell every voter living in a populous city that they are unpatriotic. Then, instead of apologizing for making this ridiculous claim, say you're sorry that big city people didn't understand what you really meant by saying they were unpatriotic. Finally, don't elaborate on what you actually meant when you said they were unpatriotic. For example (not actual direct quotes):

Clueless candidate: "I like coming to small towns, because people in small towns are patriotic and big cities are anti-America."

Enraged big-city voters: "Why don't you take your domestic-terrorist-supporting husband and 15 babies and go back to your frigid wasteland of a state, you hysterical, pandering bitch."

Clueless candidate: "I apologize if anybody in a big city misinterpreted my statement, "big cities are anti-America," to mean big cities are anti-America. That's not what I meant at all."

Enraged big-city voters: "That's weird. It seems like "big cities are anti-America" was pretty self-explanatory."

Clueless candidate: "Down syndrome!"

Other guy: "Fucking hell I'm old. Sooooo old. God, how do I even get out of bed in the morning? Cindy, you whore, fetch me my cane so I can go mumble incoherently to the public."

Clueless candidate: "Maverick!"

American lol!!!!!!!!!111111111

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wait.. no.. really. The Lord will save us! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The Powell bitchslap

Hilariously, Colin Powell's endorsement of Barack Obama is politically untouchable. After all, Republicans can't exactly criticize a highly decorated war hero, given their candidate is using that status as his entire platform. And they can't blame Powell for screwing up on the Iraq intelligence to the United Nations, given that John McCain repeatedly endorsed that very intelligence. All the Republicans have left is to play the race card. Good luck with that, guys!

It's all so gleefully karmic.

Joe the Fraud

Barack Obama has consistently talked about realistic solutions to real problems, and the best answer McCain can muster is a classic American redneck fraud named Joe. Seriously, "Joe" has lied through his teeth from the moment he was ejaculated into the national media spotlight after whining that his fake plumbing business would be taxed too heavily under Obama. Since then, with the help of a merciless media machine with no stomach for bullshit, we've learned:

1. Joe the Plumber is not actually named Joe. His name is Sam. Using "Joe" was just another failed attempt by McCain to be a pandering, populist dipshit like Sarah Palin.

2. We think his last name is "Worzelbacher," but we can't be sure because it appears his name is spelled incorrectly on his voter registration card. Might be government error, or he could just be that stupid. We'll never know.

3. "Joe" is probably breaking the law by being a "plumber" in the first place, considering the fact that he doesn't have a fucking plumbing license in his county of residence. Oh, and neither does his boss, who owns the company. It's unfortunate, really, because McCain could definitely use a licensed plumber to take care of his bullshit problem.

4. "Joe the Poor Math Student" confronted Obama at a rally because he was concerned that the Democrat's tax plan would end in higher levies if Joe decided to start his own illegal plumbing business. But many analysts say his concern is unfounded, and he'd actually be eligible for a tax cut if the gross business receipts hit $250,000 (as Joe himself said they would). The New York Times did a nice graphic about it here.

5. It's funny that Joe is so worried about paying more taxes, seeing as he hasn't paid any taxes in the past. He currently has an outstanding personal tax lien on his name for more than $1,000. Hey asshole, how about paying your fucking taxes like the rest of us before you gripe about anybody's tax plan? You've got egg on your face, or maybe horseshit, I can't tell.

So to recap, McCain's symbol of the tortured American worker is an illegal plumber he calls Joe, but who isn't actually named Joe, who claims to be afraid of paying more taxes under Obama but doesn't actually pay his taxes. If McCain worked for Bush, he'd be nicknamed McCainy, and Bush would say: "Helluva job, McCainy!" Grand slam.

Joe sets an interesting example for the rest of us. Specifically: We can lie, too! In fact, based on my early calculations, John McCain's tax plan will rape grandmothers and murder kittens. I'll be expecting the news vans any second.

Sources:

Toledo Blade
Daily Kos
MSNBC
NYT