Sunday, February 15, 2009

Celebrity journalists should all get ass cancer. That's right, I said it.

Our culture has officially cratered into an abyss of mindless superficiality, petty judgments and worthless bottom-feeding celebrity gossip drivel.

I'm talking specifically about the latest on Jessica Simpson, a story that has gained surprising steam among what I once considered to be legitimate realms of journalism. This whole Jessica-Simpson-is-fat thing is a sorry chapter in our grocery-store-line mentality. It's a hilarious depiction of classic American laziness and self-satisfaction, where bored, truly obese housewives with 27 children can feel better about themselves because the gossip mongers have declared that a member of the Celebrity Elite is insufficiently anorexic. It gives a flicker of blissful hope to that mind-numbingly stupid section of society that actually believes this shit matters.

OK, I'll bite. Briefly.

First of all, Jessica Simpson is a talentless hack who has clawed her way to notoriety through a variety of failed enterprises that grow increasingly annoying as time passes, painfully and slowly. I haven't actually enjoyed a single piece of entertainment sap that she's ever created, and if it were up to me, she'd be working at the local Muchas Gracias and serving up beef tacos to drunk frat boys at 4 a.m.

But despite the the fact that I hate everything she does and says -- including her bullshit religious rhetoric that she obviously uses to win fans -- and her douchebag of a dad who whores her out to the masses like low-quality crack, I'm compelled to concede two things:


First, Jessica Simpson is not fucking fat. Are you kidding me? Look at that picture. In a culture that crams Big Macs like hot cakes and salutes the corporate KFC flag like it was raised at Iwo Jima, you're telling me that THIS counts as fat? A bad choice of pants, perhaps, and a healthy amount of meat on the bones, but not fat. No, idiots, let me show you overweight, not that it even matters:


Good. I'm glad we could clear that up. Moving on to concession #2:

Hey celebrity "journalists": Asserting in every dirt Web site, crappy gossip rag and mindless Hollywood TV show that Jessica Simpson is obese is a sure sign that your life has officially been equated to a steaming pile of dog shit. The "journalists" who continue to perpetuate this false reality that 35 pounds and 0% body fat is the average American image of beauty can all die of ass cancer. Do you hear me? Ass. Cancer.

Jessica Simpson, I still hate your music, movies, TV shows, clothing lines and fragrances. But you don't deserve to have your moderately enlarged butt pedaled around these idiot magazines like a two-dollar hooker, and it especially isn't fair for a bunch of second-rate gossip mongers to capitalize on the falsification of beauty and the bastardization of female body image. Now look at me, I sound like a militant feminist. God I hate you celebrity "journalist" jackasses. Go back to your scummy holes and meaningless Bill O'Reilly internships, you insignificant flecks of journalistic afterbirth.

FACE.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Well put Lad. News of the J.Simpson ilk can't be handled any too gently. In fact next time toughen up on the adjectives a bit. (Where on Heaven's green earth did you get that delightful shot of Ms. Butt.?)
Otherwise, all's good here on the creek.