Monday, June 30, 2008

I try to figure out Republicans and lose my grip on reality

I keep hearing this weird rumor that Republicans are fond of small government and, following that belief, are of the opinion that strong-arm federal officials have no place dictating how we manage our personal affairs.

Like whispers in the wind, I hear this small-government schtick whenever God-fearing GOP soldiers lambaste national health care ("Why, you don't want the nasty government making your medical decisions!") or decry the so-called liberal elitists who are apparently using their superior intellectual prowess to control the masses. The same intellectual prowess, I might add, that was gleaned from the halls of the same Ivy league institutions that many Republican politicians once walked. But, as we all know, attending Harvard is only a sign of elitism if you're a Democrat.

Anyway, then I read the news, and I see stories about "small-government" Republicans who support warrantless spying on Americans, or a Republican attorney general in Alabama who wants to enforce a law criminalizing the use of sex toys among private citizens. I read this shit, and I get confused. Eavesdropping on my phone calls? Banning sexual devices? Why, that sounds like something an intrusive, big government would do!

The latter example of Troy King, the Alabama AG, is just a highlight of Republican insanity infecting our nation's proud tradition of doing whatever the fuck we want in our own bedrooms. King, who may or may not have a penis, is pushing the Alabama Legislature to toughen up an earlier law it passed banning vibrators and other such "obscene" devices. This news immediately led me to the obvious conclusion: Perhaps Republicanism is just the inherent result of extreme sexual frustration.

King's courageous crusade against the insidious orgasm should be an inspiration to us all. I can't help but wonder whether King's first wife died in a bizarre dildo tragedy, sparking his lifelong mission to rid the Earth of sex toys. An image popped into my head of King as a young man, standing in a blood-soaked room, holding up a vibrator and tearfully vowing to his dead wife's soul: "Never again!" Then I gouged out my frontal lobes in a moment of awful soul-wrenching terror.

Not to be deterred by the sudden and debilitating lobotomy that resulted in the knowledge that this man is trying to criminalize sexuality, I was able to scan the GOP's official party platform before slipping into sweet unconsciousness. I kept looking for the part where the GOP overlords explain how vibrators are tantamount to terrorist activity, or how the party is in lockstep behind their elected leaders banning the sale of fake vaginas. Alas, nothing.

I should point out, however, that I did read a whole lot about the importance of upholding marriage as a sacred right between a man and a woman, but nothing about whether said man and woman should be allowed to use a vibrating piece of plastic in their own bedrooms. So, for those of you keeping score, just remember: Heterosexual marriage: good; Sexual freedom: bad.

Jesus, no wonder these people are so pissed off.

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