Rudy throws down the gauntlet; world yawns

In case you've been in the bomb shelter for the past, oh, six years or so, Rudy "Rat Face" Giuliani is running for president. Rudy Giuliani, who built a fortune on the backs of victims and rescue workers of the Sept. 11 attacks -- a glorious statesman who will gladly deliver a moving speech about the attacks for a nominal fee of $100,000-$200,000, or gladly write a book about his so-called leadership during the tragedy for a nominal fee of $2.7 million -- and who has been despicably sculpting his grab at power since the minute the first tower fell. The fact that polls show his front-runner status is a testament to how national fear and rabidly patriotic rhetoric can transform a disgraced, politically confused and slimy mayor of New York into the darling of the GOP and (god-forbid) the future commander of the world's most ferocious military power.

Rudy Giuliani is also a Republican, which inherently makes him an active participant in one of the most fluid and accomplished character assassination machines in America. Want proof? Quick, what do you remember about the past two presidential elections? Gore: Dull. Kerry: Flip-flopper. Rum and Coke: On the rocks. Republicans have spent a whole lot of time and a whole lot more money to make sure you remember that Al Gore can't possibly be president because, well, he just isn't that funny! And John Kerry? Well, he just doesn't stick to his convictions.

Anyway, Giuliani kicked off the latest round of character drubbing by doing something ingenious and completely original: Lying through his teeth. In a response to an ad that MoveOn.org published in the New York Times, in which they characterize Gen. Petraeus as a betrayer and pet of the White House, Giuliani essentially tried to take the furor and use it against Hillary Clinton. Take a look at the two ads (click for bigger version):



And the response by Giuliani:



It's very subtle, about as subtle as a red-hot poker in your eye socket, but what Giuliani is trying to do here is link Clinton to the offending MoveOn ad. But since Clinton had nothing to do with the ad, he must fall back on that fabled GOP pastime: Just make shit up. Case in point: The ad states that "Hillary Clinton continued the character attack on General Petraeus" as if her comments during the congressional hearing were somehow a continuation of the MoveOn ad.

First, let's get the simple questions out of the way. Did Hillary Clinton pay for the ad? No. Does Hillary Clinton's name appear anywhere on the ad? No. Well, then, surely Hillary Clinton had something, anything to do with the ad? No.

Here's Giuliani's logic: MoveOn published a brutal attack on the good general. Hillary Clinton had the gall to question the general about the conditions in Iraq during a congressional hearing on the conditions in Iraq. Hillary Clinton has not denounced the MoveOn ad. Therefore, Hillary Clinton is responsible for the ad and should take the blame for the ad. Of course, Giuliani can't just attack MoveOn because everybody already knows they're all crazies.

Thus is what we can expect from President Giuliani, whose statements are on par with the historic truisms of President Bush: Saddam had weapons of mass destruction; Al-Qaeda was linked to Iraq; and, who could forget, "I won the election."

On a side note, I gotta hand it to Rudy. He's taking a risky political strategy: Throw all support to the Iraq war and pray to holy Christ that things start looking up by the time November 2008 rolls around. If things do get better by some historical anomaly, Democrats could find themselves in trouble. If not, well I'll just quote from the great philosopher Samuel L. Jackson: "Rudy's screwed, motherfucker!"